when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
