Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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