420 ftw
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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