There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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