I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
