I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
