So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
