Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
