It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
