I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
