you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
