I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
