I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
