Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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