just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
