So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
