A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
