i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
