So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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