Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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