Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
