WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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