Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
