Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
