my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
