There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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