It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
