I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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