i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
