I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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