i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
