my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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