Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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