listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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