I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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