would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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