I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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