I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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