fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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