the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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