I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
