when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
