I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
