awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
