this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
