The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
