She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
