People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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