I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
