Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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