did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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