I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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