Fine. I'll sleep in my office
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
