I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Did I show you my penis last night?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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