Yo dont text me then not text me
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
