five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
