Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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