youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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