No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
