Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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