I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
