I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
