he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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