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oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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